A version of this story by Allison Keeley and Amber Wichowsky will be published in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Ideas Lab.
As much as many of us look forward to Thanksgiving with family and friends, it can be a notoriously fraught time of year. Even in the calmest of years, political disagreements can cause discomfort or ignite conflict. This is not among the calmest of years.
Regardless of their feelings on the outcome of the presidential election, many Wisconsinites are understandably anxious about their upcoming gatherings.
We don’t blame them. While the political divisions that have enveloped the country over the last decade have been widely dissected in news stories and think pieces, one under-discussed aspect of this current phenomenon has been its impact on interpersonal relationships.
But the impacts have been huge. A pre-election survey released last month by LifeStance Health indicated that nearly half (44%) of Americans said political or election-related discussions have led to conflicts in their personal lives, and that nearly one in five have ended a friendship due to political views.
The Stress in America survey released last month by the American Psychological Association revealed that around one in three adults said the current political climate has caused strain between themselves and members of their family. 30% said they limit their time with family because they don’t share the same values.
A heartbreaking story in the August New Yorker detailed the rise in going “no contact” with family, sometimes even for political reasons. In the wake of the election, social media has been overrun with stories of individuals cutting off family members who voted differently than them. Many of them are gut-wrenching to read.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Surviving, and thriving, this Thanksgiving
Like many institutions and civic-minded organizations, the La Follette School of Public Affairs at UW-Madison has recently put considerable effort into promoting civil dialogue to help strengthen democracy, rebuild trust, and renew civic relationships in our communities. Just this week we partnered with the Wisconsin Alliance for Civic Trust (WisAct) to host an event on the UW-Madison campus to promote civil discourse, help people navigate difficult conversations during the holidays, and share how toxic polarization has impacted their own relationships with loved ones.
We did this all over a Thanksgiving meal to simulate the environment many of us will be finding ourselves in this week. Using materials from fantastic civic organizations like Urban Rural Action and Braver Angels, we practiced the difficult work of having hard conversations with respect and empathy.
The ABCs of Constructive Dialogue
Here are three tips from Urban Rural Action that we used during our event that can help you have less polarizing, more connective conversations this Thanksgiving:
- Ask to understand their perspective. Open-ended questions give a better sense of where someone is coming from. They also show a curiosity that helps people feel listened to and acknowledged.
- Break down your own view so they understand your reasoning. Make sure to frame it as an additional view and not in opposition to theirs.
- Check your understanding of their perspective by reflecting it back to them in a non-judgmental way.
Following these ABCs will help you move from a competitive mindset in conversation to a collaborative one. Through conversations focused on collaboration and understanding, we can connect with each other in a meaningful and productive way.
Civic skills are like any other skill. You need to practice. Beginning with local issues – where political divisions are much less pronounced – can help. You can also use simple prompts like “What does the American dream mean to you?” or “What should we do to help Americans feel more connected to one another?” to get a conversation going.
Main Street Agenda reveals hunger across Wisconsin
Our Thanksgiving event comes on the heels of a similar, much larger effort by La Follette to promote civil dialogue. The Main Street Agenda this fall brought together nearly 350 people with diverse perspectives in Pewaukee, Green Bay, Eau Claire, and Madison for dinner conversations aimed at promoting and practicing civil discourse and respect for differences.
Incorporating many of the same strategies as Braver Angels, our trained facilitators walked the participants through semi-structured conversations that promoted candor, respect, and common ground. Feedback from the events was overwhelmingly positive, with more than 90% of participants saying they were extremely satisfied or satisfied. A Green Bay participant noted in their post-event survey that they appreciated, “the free exchange of ideas without the hostility found in today’s politics.”
Mara Mamerow of Milwaukee summed it up nicely in an interview after the Pewaukee dinner when she said, “It’s not always about being argumentative, it’s not always about proving that you’re the smartest person or you have the best ideas, but that we can have different ideas and coexist.”
Chipping away at partisanship, one conversation at a time
It might be tempting to dismiss Mara’s sentiment, which succinctly reflects the ideals behind efforts like these, as overly optimistic. However, recent research from Marquette University’s Civic Dialogues Program suggests interventions like La Follette’s dinner conversations, which were based in part on the work taking place at Marquette, may reduce negative feelings toward individuals who hold opposing views and increase confidence in handling disagreements.
The findings are in line with other research on how cross-party dialogue and deliberation can help reduce partisan divides and animosity. Researchers from La Follette will also be analyzing data from the Main Street Agenda events to measure their effectiveness.
Most of us assume that hearing opposing views will make us sad or mad. Yet research has shown that we’re often wrong about how engaging across difference actually feels. We’re also often wrong about what the other side thinks. Democrats and Republicans alike underestimate the diversity of opinions within the other party and overestimate the extremity of others’ positions.
We understand that there are many strong feelings surrounding the results of this election, and we empathize with the folks across the country who feel deeply hurt by their loved ones making a decision at the polls that they vehemently disagree with.
President Biden said it nicely in his speech acknowledging President-elect Trump’s victory and ensuring a peaceful transition of power: “You can’t love your neighbor only when you agree. Something I hope we can do no matter who you voted for is to see each other not as adversaries but as fellow Americans, bring down the temperature.”
Regardless of your feelings on President Biden, we would like to think this is something we can all get behind.
Indeed, civil discourse can be good for us. At a time when Americans’ friendship circles are shrinking and concerning numbers of us are reporting spending more time alone, our ongoing research suggests that civil dialogue can help us feel more connected to one another.
We sincerely hope this Thanksgiving can serve as an opportunity to bring down the national temperature, listen to each other with an open mind, find common ground, and connect with loved ones through difficult but stimulating conversations.
Tensions are understandably high, but our work leads us to believe that it is not just a Thanksgiving meal that people are hungry for right now. We are starving for connection as well. This Thanksgiving, let’s feast on both.